Pure Laziness

Oh yes, I'm feeling mightily lazy. Right now, I'm one exam away from completing my first year of physical therapy school and I'm working hard to muster up the motivation to keep studying. And of course, in typical graduate student fashion, I'm procrastinating by analyzing the definition of laziness. So here goes:

Pema Chodron says that Western laziness is the manifestation of speed and a constant distraction from the present. Laziness is seeking comfort and ease through a profound ignoring.

When I think beyond the surface of my current feeling of laziness, I realize that instead of feeling lazy that what I feel right now is actually a feeling of depletion. As I've rushed from task to task over the past few weeks, I've successfully used up all of my prana, my energy. Through the rush of the past few weeks, I've profoundly ignored the present moment and my own self care as I've hyperfocused on my schoolwork. So while my first instinct is to say, "wow, I don't want to study right now because I'm really lazy," the truth is, that I don't want to study right now because I'm simply exhausted.

This insight has made me realize my need to reassess laziness. Today I took a moment to sit back and question, "why is it that right now I don't feel like doing anything productive?" When I feel a rebellious energy towards productivity, it usually means that I've been pushing myself too hard and that what I really need is down time. Needing time to relax does not mean that I'm lazy. Instead, my laziness comes from the fact that when life gets busy I often forget to make time for self care. But the proverbial catch twenty-two is that when life gets busy, that's when I need self care the most.

Some days, like today, I feel as if there is no time to pause. I feel like I have too much to do and that there is no space to relax. At times like these I wonder, should I keep pushing and wait until the weekend to relax? Perhaps. Especially with an exam in the morning, I know that studying cannot wait. I also recognize that waiting until the weekend to relax never really works. When I push too hard during the week, I end up a slug over the weekend. Two day weekends are simply not enough time for me to rejuvenate fully, and when Monday comes around I'm still exhausted from the prior week. From my experience working 60+ hour weeks in a corporate job, I know that the weeks when I push too hard I often end up sick and it's impossible to recover over the weekend.

I also know from experience, that the weeks when I make time for self care EVERY day, I don't need to wait until the weekend to replenish. When I make time for self care, I get sick less often, I'm happier, and it's easier for me to be present for my friends and family. I even perform better on exams. So while it's easy to say, "this weekend/tomorrow/next week, I'll do ___ for myself," I've realized that if I want to be my best and my healthiest Self, that self care cannot wait.

So what does this reflection mean to me in this moment? It meant that this morning, I created time to sleep in until 10:30am. When I got out of bed, I slowly began my morning. I took time to meditate, and I made time to reflect. Yes, this meant that my entire morning was without studying. Still, my hopes are that the time I spent this morning relaxing will better enable me to focus on my studies this afternoon. [p.s. it worked!]

Do you ever feel lazy? Could it be that you're actually feeling tired from pushing too hard? If you sit back and really think about it, how does what you feel right now tell you about what you really need? What can you do today that will be just for you?

 

Reference:  Pema Chodron, Looking into Laziness

Life is full of distraction. Returning to the present moment.

Most of us perform our daily activities with distraction. We drive while listening to music. We eat while watching TV or while working. We multitask so that at all times our mind is focused on a myriad of thoughts.

As we enter the Vata season of the year, I've noticed my distraction level increasing (like hopping in the shower with my sock still on…) I've noticed my desire for constant stimulation, my surface need for more sounds and visual input. When I pause, I realize that what my body and mind actually need is less stimulation and more silence. Two habits that reveal to me my need for less stimulation are my monkey mind when trying to fall asleep at night, and a sense of feeling constantly overwhelmed.

Today, to calm my inner vata (my monkey mind), I went on a walk. The purpose of my walk was to practice presence, to meditate. In every thing we do, we have a choice: do we dedicate our full attention to that activity, or do we allow half of our attention for that activity and the other half for something else? When we dedicate all of our attention to one thought or to one activity, we choose presence. We choose to be fully in the here and now without any anticipation for the future and without any reflection about the past.

For example: instead of walking as a means to an end as I hurry to an event, I allow walking in itself to be the event. My mind is not thinking about what is going to happen when I arrive; instead I focus 100% of my attention on the act of walking.

Lift. Heel. Toe.    Lift. Heel. Toe.    Lift. Heel. Toe.    Lift. Heel. Toe.

What would it feel like if you brought all of your attention to the sensation of walking? How does it feel as the sole of your foot rolls on the earth and the sweet caress of the wind moves across your skin?

When we release our grip on the past and the future it gives us the ability to take in all that is right now. When I bring my attention into the Now, I often realize that there's nothing in this moment that needs changing. I am whole. This moment, this life, is perfect.

Discovering Happiness

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Dumbledore

It is my belief that like so many things in life, happiness is a choice. I believe that it is fully within my power to choose how I interpret every situation, every event; it is in my power to choose to be happy, to choose joy. When I make the decision to smile even when life feels hard, when I make the decision to laugh even when I feel down, when I make the decision act silly and erupt into a fit of giggles...I am choosing joy.

There are occasions when I act incredibly silly, and on these occasions there are some people who tell me I'm acting childish. To these people my response is this: 

Is it truly childish to let loose and be myself? Are children the only ones who are allowed to spin in circles just to feel the wooblies in their bellies, or who are allowed to sing at the top of their lungs while dancing in the living room? Perhaps instead we as adults have just forgotten what it is to let go of our inhibitions and of societal expectations, to let go of our fears so we may feel the freedom to be ourselves.

I don't believe that acting silly means that I'm not mature. Believe me, as an INTJ (Meyers-Briggs), I know how to be incredibly serious and overly responsible. Without explicit effort, I easily fall into a pattern of solitude and overzealous discipline. I have actively made a life decision to not allow the responsibilities and commitments of being an adult interfere with my happiness. In truth, I believe that acting silly and partaking in "childish" adventures reveals a deeper connection to my Self which is a sign of maturity.

I hope that as long as I live, I will continue to climb trees, to swing on swings, and to run headfirst into every body of water I come in contact with...no matter how cold it is. I hope that on the days when I need a lift, that I chose to sing at the top of my lungs while I jaunt around in the grass. I hope I continue to make up words and funny faces, and continue to create puns and riddles just for the fun of it all.

I have read many articles and books that explain that happiness does not come from successful life events. Instead happiness comes from small daily interactions with people and from hobbies and activities for which we are full of passion. In other words, it's the small stuff that counts.

What can you do right now, that would bring a smile to your lips? Even in the toughest of times, can you look at the situation without judgment or expectation and discover even a small piece of the situation that would make you laugh? Can you empower yourself to choose joy? 

Over the past few years I have deliberately chosen to be my silly self, and it has made all the difference in my happiness, in my relationships, and in my entire life.

Why do we feel?

"Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."
– Benjamin Disraeli

Today I practiced one of my favorite heart openers: supported fish pose (matsyasana). Not only does this pose ease my neck and shoulders after a long day of sitting, it also helps to open my heart.

As a kid I was very shy. It took me a long time to make friends because I was not comfortable sharing my feelings, my thoughts, or any aspect of myself. I was too worried about what people would think; I was worried about their judgment. Over time, and through much practice, it has become easier for me to open my heart and share who I am with the world. While I have opened up to the world in may ways, I still struggle to share my feelings especially when my feelings are not positive or happy.

I love the above quote as it reminds me that we are all human and one of the characteristics that differentiates humans as a species is our ability to feel an endless array of emotions. We feel for a reason; we feel to better understand our own Truth and even to understand the Truth of others' experiences. I often need to remind myself that it's OK to feel sad sometimes. It's part of the human experience. It's OK to feel impatient, anxious, jealous, and frustrated. These emotions are all aspects of ourselves. Our emotions provide the insight that allows us to discover what we need to do to take care of ourselves. Emotions also help us to interact with the world and with the people around us. In essence, emotions are the tool that the world has given us to aid us in making decisions as we shape our lives.

Is there an emotion that you haven't allowed yourself to feel? What would it be like if you opened up to all aspects of your self? Can you give yourself permission to feel all that you are feeling without judgment or restraint?

Neti pots + Allergy/Cold Season

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“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha.

And so it begins: allergy + cold season!

My allergies have been very persistent over the past week, and today I woke up with a cold. While I had a day full of yoga planned, the yoga I practiced today was that of calm self-care. Hot tea, studying, and of course neti kriya. Do you find neti pots a little weird or petrifying? If you're curious, here's a link to read more about neti kriya and its benefits: The Holy Kale.

Meditation - How is it possible not to think!?

"Take care not to impose anything on the mind. When you meditate, there should be no effort to control, and no attempt to be peaceful. Don't be overly solemn or feel that you are taking part in some special ritual; let go even of the idea that you are meditating. Let your body remain as it is, and your breath as you find it. Think of yourself as the sky, holding the whole universe." - Sogyal Rinpoche

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I talk to many people who believe that meditation is elimination of thoughts. However I was taught that meditation is simply the ability to focus the mind in order to become a witness. When I meditate, I practice watching the flow of my thoughts without any expectation, without any judgment, and without trying to control (for me this is the hardest part). As my teacher says, "98% of our thoughts we have thought before." So in essence our thoughts, even in meditation, are not unique. Therefore there is no need to continue to analyze and to dwell on thoughts that we think of all the time.

To me, meditation is about creating space inside of myself for satya, Truth, and shanti, peace. In my experience satya, Truth, can only be found once I strip away analysis, expectations, and judgment. I do this by inviting my witness consciousness into my meditation.

No Substitute for Sweat

“Penetration of our mind is our goal, but in the beginning to set things in motion, there is no substitute for sweat.” - B.K.S. Iyengar.

Like most things in life, yoga asana takes work and it takes practice. As I come into a new and challenging pose, I shake-sweat-stumble-and fall. This struggle is the process; it is the work I must put in to deepen my asanas and to practice discipline. When I struggle and fall I have a choice: do I give up this new pose or do I get back up and try again? Typically I giggle so hard that my nose wrinkles and I try and try again. Yet in American culture I often feel the constant push to "go hard or go home" - to competitively move through pain as if pausing is a sign of weakness. Where is the balance between working to grow and working so hard that it's hurtful?

There are times when my body isn't ready for a posture. In fact, most of my injuries have come from pushing through pain, a clear signal that my body sends to tell me that it isn't ready for a pose. Because of these injuries I've learned to ask myself, "What does my body (and mind) need in THIS moment? Where is the balance between effort and sweat versus pushing too hard? By asking these questions I create space to practice self-kindness...permission to modify a shape or even to wait a few weeks-years before trying the pose again. Truthfully there are some days when child's pose is my work; choosing to take a break and pause is the work in and of itself. Remembering to listen to my body is a continual pursuit of awareness. Last weekend I was reminded of this need for awareness as I ran so hard I nearly passed out from heat exhaustion. Today, before I ran, I decided that the moment I started wheezing (I have asthma), I would pause to walk. Even though my run took longer this morning, I safely completed 5 miles without any scary moments of blacking out. By staying aware I was able to find the balance between work and sweat without over-doing it.

Overcoming Empathy Overload

I have a distinct memory from elementary school that I always come back to when reflecting on empathy. As my brother was getting out of the car, his finger closed in the car door. While my brother was fine in short order, I spent the next hour crying over my brother and his finger. Why did I have such a hysterical fit over my brother's pain? This is only one instance of a phenomena that I've experienced my entire life: feeling and absorbing other people's emotions, whether it be pain or pleasure.

Over the years I've come to realize (through yoga) that we as humans can sense the energy of our environment, the energy of the people around us. When I walk into a room I immediately feel the energy of the room whether I realize it or not. If I'm not aware and present to that energy, it will affect me in a positive or negative way. For example, if I come home from a great day at work and my family is stressed and anxious, I will begin to feel stressed and anxious too. Energy is contagious; and for those of use who feel everything, it's really important to learn how to contain that energy and cultivate an awareness of how it impacts us.

One aspect of the niyama "saucha" (cleanliness or purity) is maintaining a clean or pure environment. When I practice saucha, I surround myself with people who are full of love and peace. Another way I practice purity of mind (borrowing poetry from Cara) is to cultivate "A Big Heart, with a Big Fucking Fence." In other words, I can keenly sense the energy and emotions of the people around me. While I can't always control the purity of my environment and the people that surround me, I can remain conscious to the energy and to how that energy impacts my emotional body.

The following Tiny Buddha article gives a hint of insight into empathic overload and ways that we can help to overcome it. As with many things in life, this comes with a deeper connection to the Self. It's a fun and quick read:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-overcome-emotional-overload-when-youre-highly-empathetic/

The ever important practice of Gratitude, especially when life brings you challenge.

This week I began physical therapy school. In other words, in the span of a few days my world completely changed. I dove into serious studying, a rigid schedule, and much more sitting than I'm accustomed to. In truth, my body wasn't able to handle such a dramatic transition and routine.

On the third morning of my program as I was brushing my teeth, I bent over the sink, tilted my head, and felt something shift in my ear. I grew dizzy and held onto the sink to keep from collapsing. Having experienced this before I immediately knew that a bought of vertigo had begun. My first reaction was to sort out a solution to get through the next 7-10 days of dizziness and the accompanying side effects. I began to ask myself questions "How am I going to bike to school? How will I read my textbook? Will I feel nauseas in class? How am I going to survive this!?" After a few moments, I sat down and took a deep breath. I noticed that my hands were clenched, and the muscles in my face had tensed. My body had entered a fight or flight response. 

Vertigo is an incredibly scary feeling. I liken vertigo to feeling drunk as in my experience my world spins, my eyes can't focus, and I have trouble holding onto concrete thoughts. Despite this feeling of uneasiness, I knew I would need to continue with school so that I wouldn't fall behind. Throughout the week, my vertigo continued and was accompanied by strong heart palpitations, my body's natural response to dizziness. In the past I would have felt deflated by this apparent setback. This time, with my proverbial yoga toolkit in hand, I knew how to take care of myself to manage the physiological and emotional responses of vertigo.

When life feels scary, or during transition when life feels uncertain and new, I return to gratitude. Pure gratitude, for life itself. Gratitude for breath. For 97 degree sweaty bike rides. For stomping in puddles. For tripping face first on rocks. For singing at the top of my lungs. For making a mess. For the opportunity to act like my goofy self and for the people who love me all the same. It's the practice of returning to the things I love that helps me get through life's challenges. I also like to ask myself, "What can I do RIGHT NOW that would make me smile?" Believe it or not I survived the intense bouts of vertigo. While it was a scary experience, practicing gratitude and relaxation techniques (along with plenty of dogly cuddle time) helped me to make it through, in a positive light :-)

This week, I visited Jack Kornfield's site for hints of inspiration on gratitude meditation. Click on the image below to visit Jack's site!

http://www.jackkornfield.com/meditation-gratitude-joy/

The Reality of Change

The one constancy in life that we can all count on is that of impermanence. No matter what, we can always count on change. Every one of us is born, will live our lives, and will eventually pass away. Throughout this journey we dive into different paths that shape who we are and who we become.

Sunset-Flight

At times, as we move through life's journey, we experience stress. Stress and suffering comes from our resistance to change, our attempt to control, and our desire to cling to that which is known. When I try to control change I become anxious and frustrated. But when I give myself the freedom to watch my life change and to witness my lack of control that accompanies change, transitions flow.

This brings me to the question, "If everything in reality is impermanent, is there anything that exists yet never changes?" I believe so. Some people call this God; others call this the highest Self, or Nature. I believe that at the end of every day I can always come back to my life long investigation for my highest Self. This is my Truth. When everything is changing - when people pass away, when I lose a good friend, when I feel alone - I come back to that which supports me. My yoga and self-care practice provides me with the steady base that I can count on during transition. The practice is always there for me when I need it. When I embark on a big change, I ask myself, "What will hold me when I need support?"

I have just commenced some major life changes: separating from my boyfriend of 7.5 years, quitting my job, leaving the wonderful DC yoga community, moving by myself to Richmond, and returning to school full-time for my doctorate in physical therapy. I'm so full of emotions. I'm excited and thrilled. Scared and anxious. Confused and loaded with questions. Where will I live? What will it mean to be a student once again? Will I feel safe living on my own? What's it like to be single? Will I have any free time? Will I be happy?

Through this transition I notice my lack of control over life's events. I can plan (and boy am I a planner), but things will happen in their own way and in their own time. While I don't know how life will play out, I do know how to support myself along the way.

I'm taking one day at a time slowly and mindfully aware of all the beautiful and frightening change. I'm inviting a feeling of acceptance for what is to come without trying to control everything. [This is the toughest part!] My journey has begin in tears and in laughter. By allowing myself to feel all of my emotions I am able to understand what I need to support myself. For 7.5 years I depended on my boyfriend for support. As we are separating, I've needed to find another source of support. While I need time with friends and family, I have an even greater need for time alone with a strong meditation and pranayam practice. Still, there are days that I'm too anxious to sit still for practice. By creating space to notice this resistance, I've found a solution: I now go for a long run before I sit. Running in the natural landscape of DC has been the emotional release I've needed to open up to my inner stillness. Often I find that my mind wanders during meditation, yet I acknowledge this struggle for what it truly is...the days when I need my practice the most.

Guaranteed it isn't easy leaving my joyful life for an unknown journey. Still my hope is that this transition will end in growth, laughter, and self compassion for any bumps I find along the way. Below is a practice that I have been doing daily to help ground myself during this transition. It's also helpful to remind myself (in the words of Sudhir Jonathan Foust), that this is really just an AFGO "Another Freakin' Growth Opportunity" as is the rest of life.

Metta - Loving Kindness Meditation

At the end of every meditation, or when I need a pick-me-up in the middle of the day, I practice metta. I begin by inviting my eyes to soften and I welcome a gentle smile to my lips. Then with my eyes closed, I silently repeat this Buddhist metta meditation to myself:

May I feel protected and safe.
May I be contented and pleased.
May my physical body support me with health and strength.
May life unfold smoothly with ease.

Spring + Yoga

As Spring emerges, I notice a general theme in my classes: many students are sluggish, content, and experiencing allergies. At the end of every class, I offer a time for "yogi's choice" - a few minutes in which I encourage my students to listen to their bodies and move in a way that would serve them the most. Since the beginning of April, my students consistently choose to find stillness in long-held poses that nurture and bring a sense of surrender.

Spring is a time of renewal and of blossoming growth. During this time it's important to practice self-care less we become overwhelmed by change. The article below published by Kripalu talks about many of the practices that I incorporate into my classes during the Kapha or Spring season including: kapalabhati pranayama and inversions. Please take a look!

Spring Awakening: Practices for the Season of Blossoming - Kripalu Yoga

Feel what you are feeling and feel it fully.

When I was younger I would resist being tired, anxious, angry, jealous, you name it - any undesirable emotion. In an effort to not be "__fill in the blank__" I would try to convince myself that I was happy, energized, and ready for whatever lie ahead. The truth is that the amount of energy it took to fight these undesirable emotions often sent me into a downward spiral of anxiety and fear. When I fought my emotions, they grew stronger; most of the time I didn't even understand why I felt the way I felt.

It wasn't until I began the practice of "becoming a witness" that I discovered that denying my emotions led me into a downward spiral. Now when I feel anxious, or jealous, I allow myself to feel this feeling and to feel it fully without evaluation and without judgement. For only once I allow myself the space to feel the emotion can I mindfully discern why I feel the way I do. Most of the time I return to myself after a few moments of observing my thoughts. The practice of feeling the truth of my emotions has brought me so much understanding and peace. Witnessing my emotions has allowed me to take better care of myself as I have become more in tune with what I need to be happy and at peace.

We are whole. Every part of us counts. The joy. The sadness. The anxiety. The love. It takes all of these emotions to make us whole. This is my Truth. ‪#‎Satya‬ ‪#‎Truth‬ 

Article: We Can Be Positive Without Repressing Our Emotions

Gayatri Mantra

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Gayatri Mantra
This Vedic mantra serves to illuminate our innate knowledge - our deepest and most unique Truth. The Gayatri is one of the most well-known and beneficial of ancient Sanskrit mantras as it is a mantra of healing.

I often sing this mantra to myself on days when I am experiencing an obstacle that is preventing me from being present - on days when I feel overwhelmed and need grounding and inspiration. The soothing rhythm of this mantra returns me to this moment and settles my mind for whatever task is at hand.

Aum Bhur Bhuva Svah 
Tat Savitur Varenyam 
Bhargo Devasya Dhimahi 
Dhiyo Yo Naha Prachodayat

On the absolute reality and its planes,
On that finest spiritual light,
We meditate, as remover of obstacles
That it may inspire and enlighten us.

Nadi Shodhana: Alternate Nostril Breathing

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Nadi Shodhana, alternate nostril breathing, is my favorite pranayama for this time of the year. Winter is a vata season and I've found my mind spinning on many occasions with holiday parties, an increase in cookie consumption, and the incredible life changes happening all around me. Nadi Shodhana is how I find balance and invite joy back into the days that seem like an endless journey of crazy. When I'm feeling particularly distractible, I also like to accompany pranayama with the mantra "inhale-exhale."

http://www.curejoy.com/content/simple-pranayama-technique/

Opening our minds to possibility

“Yoga invites us to notice our beliefs and open our minds to the possibility of a paradigm shift. We can stick to our old beliefs, and keep creating the same reality. Or, we can consider whether our beliefs create our reality. What beliefs are you holding onto that are actually creating a reality that doesn’t work for you? What lens are we looking through that’s creating or distorting our own reality?”

"It takes effort to change what you believe. Your brain needs to get out of the old groove and create new synapses, like flexing a different muscle. Sometimes the place to begin is by recognizing that much of life is a mystery.” - Kripalu

Home is Home

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” ~Annie Dillard

The past few months have been wild! I've traveled EVERY single weekend since September. With so many flights, long drives, and countless adventures I could feel my head stirring trying to process everything new. Today is the first time I've been able to enjoy being home in DC: I took two yoga classes yin + yang, ate a delicious home cooked meal, and cleaned a lot. So thankful for the amazing travel. So grateful to feel at home.

After traveling, or on days when I feel 'bouncy' and my thoughts are spinning, I like to create a space to ground and find calm. One of my favorite techniques for grounding is laying on my foof (a large futon bean bag chair) with a sandbag/heavy blanket over my belly. I often cover my eyes with my warm palms and focus on deep belly breathing. The sandbags help me to feel a heavy connection the earth, the light qualities of the foof support the contours of my body and help me to relax. My warm palms block out all light so that it's easier for me to turn my attention to the breath. Ahh, what a nice feeling it is just to be still, if only for a moment. #sweetness #SavorTheStillness


Learning from Injury

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

Over the past few weeks my body has been incredibly sore. My knees are unstable and uncomfortable, my wrist sends sharp pains with every movement, and my back hurts if I don't sit perfectly aligned. These are all signs of my old gymnastics injuries returning to play. While discomfort is never fun, it is through this discomfort I have learned so much.

These injuries gave me the space to realize that I need to SLOW DOWN. There is such a thing as too much yoga + cycling + weight lifting. Through my pain I have cultivated self-compassion. Every night I practice abhyanga (Ayurvedic self-massage) as a way to stimulate circulation to help my joints heal and to give my body and mind a rest. I've watched self-defeating thoughts arise as I constantly need to "modify" in yoga classes and in daily life. By watching these thoughts, I've been given the opportunity to practice self-love and self-care.

I believe Pema Chodron is right: my pain did not go away until it taught me what I needed to know. Only after I listened to my body did I begin to heal. My body told me that I needed to slow down and take time to self-nurture. I needed to make space and time to just be - to simply relax. Body, heart and mind are all connected. Thank you body for teaching me to make time to take care of my heart and myself.